Giving Thanks

Today is a day for giving thanks.  It's also the official start to the holiday season and the end of the year.  Every day when I get in my car, I say my daily prayer.  I always start with the Our Father, and continue on with thanking God for all that I am, all that I have, and everyone I love.  I then continue on with any special prayers needed and then head off to work.  So for me, what does it mean to be thankful for all that I am, all that I have, and everyone I love??

It means I am proud of the woman I've become.  I am a true combination of my parents personalities however, I am a woman of my own strength.  Each challenge I have faced over the last 3 or so years has made me that much stronger.  I may not have my dream job, however, I still dedicate 100% of myself to what I do.  I believe that I love with all of my heart and truly enjoy helping others, whether human or animal.  I believe in good causes.  Do I have negative feelings at times about things?  Of course... I'm only human.  But I do truly believe that God guides me every day to be the best me I can be.

I am thankful for all that I have:  The roof over my head, the job that helps pay the bills, this beautifuly precious girl growing inside me when I wasn't sure whether or not I would ever know what it is like to be pregnant, my precious furbabies Spike and Roxy who are my world.  I am thankful to be able to enjoy things in life and to have a wonderful marriage.

I am thankful for everyone I love.  I have the most amazing family, friends and husband.  Ed has been such a support through our just over 2 year marriage, and it only gets stronger every day.  My mother though we have our ups and downs (which is expected in any mother-daughter relationship) is truly amazing and I don't know what I would do without her in my life.  She will be taking care of our baby girl when I have to go back to work next year and I couldn't be leaving her in better hands.  My brothers though I may not see them as often as I'd like, would drop their worlds for me if needed.  And my father who is now a non smoker after 40 years has shown us what it means to be strong and peservere through major surgery and making changes.  I have a wonderful family of in-laws who made me feel as though I had been part of the family for years from day 1.  They are supportive and loving and I couldn't ask for more.  I am SOOO grateful for my grandfather's health and presence in my life.  He turned 86 this week and I pray every day that he is around to see his great grand baby in March. 

There is so much to be thankful for.  It's amazing how much one really has when you truly stop to think about the things you are thankful for.  My message for today is to tell everyone to be sure to count your blessings.... today and every day.  You wouldn't be who you are today without them.  Even if you have suffered recent losses, are lonely, or feel that things just haven't gone your way... I"m sure you have plenty to be thankful for and if you can focus on just those things, perhaps the negative you're dealing with in your life won't seem so bad after all and the strength you pull from those things you are grateful for will help you get through these challenges.  God Bless. 

A Tribute to the Warriors

On Sunday, October 17th, I volunteered with my mom in the survivor tent for the Making Strides Walk for Breast Cancer.  Usually, three to four thousand women shuffle through the survivor tent where I stand handing out schedule pamphlets for the Look Good, Feel Better Program.  A little bit about the program.  LGFB is a community program designed to help women deal with the physical affects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments.  The program is free for these women.  Licensed cosmotologists and estheticians volunteer time to helping female cancer patients feel good about their physical appearances again.  Here, women are shown how to apply make up and even receive a free make up kit to take home.  I am confident that the LGFB program is achieving the goals it set out to do.   Mostly because many of the suvivors that pass by our table tell us what an amazing program it was for them during their journey. 

For some reason on this particular morning, women seemed as though they wanted to share their journeys.  One woman in particular really touched my heart forever.  I don't know her name, but I will never forget her face or her spirit.  She stopped by the tent and I asked her if she was familiar with the LGFB program.  She explained to me that she was in between treatments at the moment.  She told me how she's been fighting breast cancer for 4 1/2 years.  This time though it has metastasized to her bones.  My heart sank to my feet.  I looked at her and told her how amazing she looked.  Looking at her, you would NEVER even know that an evil beast was eating her up inside.  She was in such great spirit and told me "I'm not ready to go anywhere yet.  He doesn't want me yet.  He knows I'd be too much of a bitch up there." And we both exchanged a giggle.  She continued to tell me how her oncologist can't believe how she is doing as well.  I asked her how she feels on a day to day basis.  Her answer: "Some days are bad.  It has spread to my spine and my hips, so there are some days where I can't even walk.  But I don't tell anybody about it."  She also said that she has allergic reactions to regular chemo treatments and one time even had an outer body experience with it.  So she's waiting for a new type of treatment to try at the moment.  She continued to tell me how a team was there walking for her.  And that her son is leaving for Afghanistan so she is going to take a trip to see him to say goodbye.  I told her to keep up that spirit. And we hugged.  She went about her day, and on my way out of the walk I saw her sitting by her husband in chairs by the entrance way so she could see her support system/team walking back.  I waved to her and she waved back.  But something made me stop in my tracks.  I ran up to her and said... "I just need to give you a hug.  You are truly amazing!  You keep doing what you're doing!"  She said "Thank you.  You make sure you take care of that baby."  As I walked away from that woman, the realization that I didn't know her name, or that I may never see her again put me into tears, I broke... because chances of her making it to next year's Making Strides Walk are not likely.  I pray for her strength.  I pray for her family's strength to take on the road that awaits them in the coming weeks and months.

Overall, the morning was an emotional one for me.  Perhaps more so due to pregnancy hormones.  Or it could've just been due to thoughts of past memories and journeys of those we've loved and lost.  It's an amazing feeling though to look out into the huge crowd of walkers and supporters and to see all the pink that takes over for that bit of time.  It's one time a year that I don't mind getting up before dawn, because I know that I am going out there to provide information that helps those who are battling this evil bitch feel good even just for a little bit.  I would love to work with the cancer society and be a family consultant.  However, I don't have the strength in me that I did when helping Jess and her family.  I think that's largely in part because after using up all that strength, what followed tore me apart.  And when I see other families going through the same battle, I know what they are potentially facing and it all floods back to me.  But those women are TRUE Warriors.  They fight and they battle for freedom... their own freedom.  Freedom from the masses that try to take over their bodies.  But I also realize that they aren't the only warriors.  They have their army marching behind them every step of the way.  This army consists of sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, husbands, friends... you name it, the list goes on and on.  These armies stand strong and hold up their warrior.  So I dedicate this post to the Warriors and the armies that stand up behind them.  The women who battle every day and beat that evil bitch called breast cancer.  The women who I couldn't even begin to fathom how they might feel inside both physically and emotionally on their march through the battlefield.  I will always do what I can to be a part of making some sort of difference. Donating is one thing and always helps, but DOING and helping others is in my blood and holds no greater feeling.  I may not be that warrior (though one never knows what the future may hold).  However, I will always be a part of that army.  God Bless...

The Many Feelings of October

October tends to bring about so many mixed feelings for me.  I will start with what I love about October.  I love the changing of the seasons.  I love the smell of crisp autumn air coming through the windows. The changing colors of the leaves is mother nature's paintbrush leaving beautiful patches of bright orange, yellow and red throughout the state.  There's nothing better than  the crunch of freshly picked apples, and the smell of pumpkin cookies baking in my oven.

 I even enjoy the mess of gutting a pumpkin and attempting to create a jack-o-lantern with the pokers, carvers and patterns that come in kits.  Although, I think the patterns lie when it is labled as "easy."  I alo enjoy celebrating Ed's birthday in the beginning of the month. 

There are however things about October that bring about feelings of emptiness.  As much as I love the fall season, I hate the bare, blah feeling of the bitter cold winter.  So after these leaves bring their fullest color out like a crystal dangling in the sun splashing bits of rainbow everywhere, they all whither up and fall to the ground, leaving the trees looking lifeless.  (And leaving Ed lots of work in the yard.)  I know what comes next, and that leaves me feeling a bit empty, missing the heat of summer days.  It is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Enough said.

The end of October marks another feeling of emptiness.  It's the beginning of the loss of a good friend.  October 26th, is a day I will never forget.  Three years ago on that day, I was supposed to go to a wedding down the shore.  I had taken off of work that day to prepare.  It was pouring rain all day.  A few days prior  Jessica had been diagnosed with a mass at the top of her spine.  The doctors wanted her to go for a brain scan.  I was off on that Friday, the 26th, and she asked if I would go with her so she could get the scan done, and I would help her with her two boys (Noah and Gavin) in the waiting room.  As she went in for her scan, I did my best to stay positive.  Praying, that there wasn't more bad news to be had.  How could it be?  She had breast cancer a year ago...  it can't be back and in her brain?!  I wasn't going to let her get down about it.  I was her horse that day.  I remember walking out of the office afterwards and Jess telling me how she had to fight, for her boys.  She was going to do whatever it took to do so.  In the car she told me, how she was so excited for my wedding (which at the time was less than a year away).  We listened to the Beatles, because her radio antenna was missing.  And laughed about different things.  We got back to her place and I had to leave so I could get ready for the wedding. 



Jessica Lynn Quinn (Donaldson)



 I got home and had some time to spare before getting drssed and packing for the night.  I was home for maybe 20 minutes when my phone rang.  On the other end was Jess.  She sounded down.  When I asked what was wrong her first words were.  "I'm gonna die, Bobbi."  I said, "Hold on a second, what happened?"  She said the doctor had called her already.  She had a golf ball size tumor in the front of her brain.  "It's most likely terminal."  She said as she cried into the phone.  I couldn't be her horse anymore.  At that moment, I broke down.  I cried with her through the phone wishing I had never left her at that house.  Wishing I had been there when she got the call so I could have hugged her and cried with her.  We got ourselves together and I tried my best to stay positive.  I told her that no matter what she was going to fight this and that I would be by her side helping her do so.  I'd help her get anything together family wise, whatever she needed.  That day changed me for the next two months.  I cried a countless number of times.  I put together a schedule for friends and family to go over to her apartment to help with the boys.  I helped her vaccuum her hair when it started falling out.  We organized a fundraiser in November to help her pay for medical bills, which was a HUGE success.  Took turns driving her to radiation appointments. And continued full speed until we could do no more. 



Early December 2007



The day came in the first week of December when I went to visit during one of her hospital stays.  Again, another rainy day' (What was it with the rain?!)  I walked into her hospital room already knowing what was coming.  Her first words to me were "So did you hear my shitty news?"  I said, "Yeah babe, I heard your shitty news."  As I held back the tears, she and I had some time to talk, alone.  I asked her what she was thinking.  She told me, "When I think about leaving the boys and not getting to see them grow up, it hurts.  But I've come to terms with it otherwise."  By that point, the cancer was all down her spinal fluid.  It was actually easier to say where the cancer wasn't rather than naming all the places it had spread to by then.  She had a choice.  The doctors could insert a port at the top of her spine and they could inject chemo directly into her spinal fluid to try and kill the carcinoma meninjitis.  But chances are she would end up like a vegetable unable to move because her spine would no longer have the strength to support her.  That was not the kind of life that she wanted.  So she chose the other option.  To go home with hospice care and be made as comfortable as possible.  She was home for two weeks beforeher  passing around 1:30 in the morning on December 21, 2007.  I got a text from her husband, and a call from her brother.  I had left her just a few hours earlier, and had  feeling it would be that night. 



Our last picture together 11/2007



I had said my good byes and made my peace in the days before.  And I still got a couple of good chuckles from her in those days at home too.  I never realized the pain one could feel in the loss of a friend.  I had never lost someone so young in my life.  And every year as October approaches, my thoughts and memories are flooded with Jessica.  How I wish she were here to be able to see me become a mommy in a few months. 

But I do know she is with me when I need her.  I believe in the spiritual life, and have been to a couple of Mediums and had positive experiences communicating with her.  And I know it's her, because that personality is not one that just anybody could have.  She still gives me good laughs when I go to one of those sessions.  I have had visits from her in my dreams, and signs of her here and there in my normal daily goings.  

So yeah,  October, does leave me feeling a little empty.  But I am grateful for having had her in my life, the memories we shared throughout the years, and the tears I STILL shed on occasion are a reminder of that.  And her boys, well, they are loved so very much by so many people and are getting so big now at 3 and 5 years of age.  They may never remember her.  But she will always be there for them spiritually. 

So PLEASE.... do yourself and those you love around you a favor... check your family history for breast cancer.  Get those boobies squished on a yearly basis.  That few minutes of discomfort can give you the blessing of many more years of memories with loved ones. 

And always be sure to LIVE like it's your last day.   LAUGH your ass off every day.  And LOVE with all your heart.  Because you never know how long you will have to do it all.



Positive Energy Versus Negative Energy

Have you ever taken the time to really think about the effect of positive energy versus negative energy?  Think about the happenings in your life.  Do you feel like there's a gian cloud hanging over your head and everywhere you turn nothing good seems to happen? 

Or do you try your best to find the positive in everything?  Or perhaps you tend to see-saw back and forth between the two?  There was a time recently when I spent almost a year carrying around that dark cloud.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and started looking up ways to change negative thoughts into positive.  It completely changed who I am and how I think about things.  At least most of the time.  Don't get me wrong, I still have my days, but that usually comes from negative energy coming off of someone else.  Negativity and positivity are attracted to you like magnets.  I had even read "The Secret" way before then but never fully put the power of it into effect.  I had come across a woman's blog (http://iamcheri22.blogspot.com/) who was a big help.  Her focus is on affirmations and positive energy.  During my journey of trying to conceive, I was part of a discussion board with other women hoping to get their good news as well.  I couldn't take everyone's constant griping and complaining about this and that.  I decided to put Cheri22's words of advice into play.  I started a positive thinking only board where women like myself could join and come to get away from all the negativity in the other discussion boards.  A place of peace and comfort.  A place where one could vent if needed, but only to gain insight from others as to how to look at their situation in a positive manner.  I am proud to say that this group of girls, which started in January of 2010 have grown VERY close and we all feel as though we've known each other for years!  We have secret sister exchanges every other month or so and our gift focuses on something positive.  These girls truly helped me turn my thoughts around as I did theirs.  Ok, so I'm so anxious about posting about this, that I got a little ahead of myself with a good example of my personal experience.

As I said before... Negative energy and positive energy suck people in like a magnet.  You can think of yourself as a positive person, but if you are around enough negativity, it will eventually bring you down and suck you in.  And it doesn't matter where you are or who you're with. 

However, let's turn it around... Let's focus on the positive.  Have you ever been running late somewhere and you're begging every traffic light on the way down the highway to "stay green, stay green, stay green"?  Did you notice those lights gave you JUST enough time to get through?  That's your mind sending out positive energy to get what you want.  Yes, it's a minor example.  But it works.  You can use thoughts like this in every aspect of your life.  I start most of my days telling myself I'm going to face the day's challenges and will get through through each of them successfully.  If I focus on that, it happens.  If I let one thing start to get to me, it's shot.

 Point is this:  I'm a true believer that what you put out into your universe is what comes back to you.  If you put negative energy out there, negative things will happen.  If you put positive energy out there, take a few minutes each day to envision the things you want and stay focused on those things, GREAT things will happen.  I promise!!!  Don't get me wrong, some days are more challenging than others.  Changing your thoughts around is NOT an easy thing to do, and takes a lot of time and work to really focus on.  I definitely recommend reading "The Secret".  It's a quick read and will give you an idea of what I'm talking about.  A more in depth and detailed read is "Ask And It Is Given".  This book gives you more detailed guidance to using positive energy to get the things you want in life.  I also recommend doing a google search on how to turn negative thoughts into positive which is free and only takes a couple of minutes.  I also recommend going to the top of this post and checking out Cheri22's blog.  In particular her money affirmation post.  I challenged the girls in my discussion board to do this money affirmation each day for 2 -3 weeks.  We made a promise to stick to it every day.  We would then post about any time random money came into our hands.  Didn't matter how small or large the amount of unexpected money was.  It still counted.  Our results were pretty amazing and made us all true believers and helped with our group mission/focus. 

So I challenge you, my readers... if there are any out there... to start turning your thoughts around.  I bet you will start to notice things about your conscious thoughts and will start to see things in a whole new light.  I'd love to hear how you're challenging yourself and what positives you've seen change!  Break through those clouds and get what you want down the road!

And a New Path Begins

It has been quite some time (since November 2009) since my last blog post.  I used to love writing down what my heart was feeling, fun crafty finds I used to come across, and connections I would make with other small business owners at the time.  Recently I have been inspired by a couple of friends and their continuous writings.  They have inspired me to put myself out there again.  And what better time to start than now with the new path along our journey about to begin. 

On July 1st, I found out something that changed my world.  I found out I was pregnant!  This is something I've wanted for quite some time now.  So to finally hear that news was surreal.  My heart wanted to burst out of my chest with joy!

My first trimester was very boring with no morning sickness and my only challenge being that of wanting more sleep and constant indigestion. I will never forget the sound of the heartbeat for the first time.  It was the most amazing sound.  The doctor said to me "So do you believe it yet?" And after I had said "No." The coctor flipped a switch and all of a sudden the thumping began.  Dr. M. said "Do you believe me now?" And I could barely see through the tears in my eyes.  

As the weeks passed along with the first trimester, along came 2nd trimester. Finally, I could be a bit more confident that things were going well, and Baby T. was growing   Along with 2nd trimester has come a miriad of headaches.  I even experienced my first migraine, which thankfully was mild.  But again... if this is the worst that I am faced with in this trimester, then by all means I am GRATEFUL! 

At my 13 week ultrasound I got to see the beautiful shape of my precious little one actually starting to take on human form! Baby T. was so active that day bouncing all around and moving.  


13 weeks

As you can see in the picture, he/she was anxious to say "hi" to whoever was watching and decided to give us a little wave!  Along with this growing baby is a growing belly!  On some days I feel like I'm carrying around a huge balloon on my stomach that feels like it's about to pop!  If I'm feeling this way now, I can't even fathom what I will feel like in a few months!  

14 weeks


I experienced another amazing feeling the other night.  I THINK anyhow.  I thought I felt the baby move for the first time.  As I was sitting on the couch with my legs tucked under me, I noticed a little "twitching" type of feeling at the top of my belly on the right side.  I didn't say anything to Ed at first, as I was trying to decipher the feeling before I said anything.  It stopped, and then happened again.  And again for a total of about 7 times.  I got up for a minute and then resumed the same position where I felt the same feeling two more times.  At first I described it as a similar feeling to an involuntary eye twitch.  Someone asked me if it felt like a butterfly opening and closing it's wings... as I thought about it, yes, I guess it was like that.  The next night, I felt the same "flutters" in the same spot and in a second spot on the side of my belly when I went to bed that night.  That definitely reassured me that it was the baby I was feeling.  I haven't noticed it since Saturday night, but I look forward to feeling it again. 

One exciting part about this journey is the fact that I'm sharing this journey with one of my best friends.  Bernie is due two weeks before me and it is so fun to compare how we are feeling and our bellies along the way.  Though this is my first and her second, I am so excited to know that we will have children who will only be a couple of weeks apart, and will hopefully know each other from birth until forever!  Which means they will have known each other longer than we ever did.  I can only hope they will possibly have the bond of friendship that Bernie and I have had over the last 18 years and counting.